4 Years Ago.

I had been having contractions for 2.5 weeks. I was tired. It was Sunday. I wanted this baby to come already. We ate pizza. And I wrote the first page in Jane's journal, a lovely little journal given to me by my Aunt Carolyn for graduation.

This entry is dated 08.07.05/08.08.05

"The day Jane comes starts like any other day from the past nine months. It's actually more like any day from the last two weeks. I've spent the night in conflict. Over covers. The summer heat sometimes permeates the night air, or somehow lingers under my skin. Conflict over breathing. I wake up on my back, even though I fell asleep on my side, and Jane weighs on my diaphragm like a 15 pound medicine ball. Once in a while I wake up to a light elbow in the head. I say, 'Ow,' though it doesn't really hurt, and I say it loudly to wake up the neighboring offender. He rarely stirs at this. . . .

"There are also the dreams, of course. Dreams where I'm not pregnant, or at least I don't think I am, and then someone points out that I am and my stomach grows before my eyes. I like the temporary escape--when I'm awake people tend to stare as politely as possible. I think they are trying to decide if Jane and I are for real or if there's a basketball under my shirt. I like to think that we are in on this together rather than aim any resentment toward her. I mean, it's not her fault and I'm pretty sure the next part of our unfolding adventure will be more traumatizing for her than for me. Sometimes that thought isn't so reassuring, but it helps me not to focus on my own sense of impending. Impending what, I don't know yet--it is the unknown that impends.

"So the day Jane comes starts like July 23 through August 7. I wake up at 6 and go to the bathroom. At 7:30 I can't wake up. My husband faces me and smiles, says, "I love you." Then he talks to Jane a bit.

"'Come out, Baby! Don't you want to see my pretty face?' he says. 'Don't you want to meet us?' Sometimes Jane wakes me up with her kicks. She doesn't kick me really hard--she's very active and moves a lot and some mornings puts on quite a show. We look forward to watching her kick when she has more freedom."

And so this

becomes this

And it keeps getting better.

Jane's last day as a three-year-old.