A Letter to the Idiot(s) Who Stole Our Car*

Dear Dummies,
It has come to our attention that you like our car. You liked it so much, apparently, that you took it without telling or asking us. Perhaps this was by mistake, a lapse in judgment when you saw the metallic Honda Accord gleaming in the moonlight between 10pm last night and 8am this morning. You saw it and thought, "Hmm, '96. Now that was a year when they knew how to make cars. I shall make this one mine," and in your haste, you simply forgot to come and ask us before taking our sweet ride for a spin.

Perhaps you simply wanted to get the oil changed for us. Or to vacuum it out. Perhaps you thought to yourself, "I bet these new parents are tired. I will help them out by returning this car fully lubed and detailed," and then maybe you got hung up somewhere when you remembered that auto places are not open between 10pm and 8am. Huh.

Perhaps you were jealous. You thought to yourself, "These people must be loaded! Look at the two car seats in the back. And the two strollers in the trunk. And the detachable bike rack! I simply cannot resist, and I'm sure these folks have a whole fleet of cars. They won't even miss it."

Or maybe it's all just a joke. You couldn't sleep last night--at least, not before punking somebody. So you rolled out of your bed, broke into our car, and rolled out our gated complex, and just kept rolling. But what's the punchline?

For whatever reason, you have stolen our car. Our ONLY car. The one with two car seats (one seat, one base), two strollers, 135,000 miles (I watched it turn over on Saturday, very exciting), the faint odor of sour milk on really cold nights, a state-of-the-art temperature control system (pliers required), the standard stereo, sunflower seeds in the center console, and a large folder of MRI images of a man's tongue.

Wow. That really is a find. Congratulations!
Please feel free to replenish any gas you use. We are trying to economize.
Sincerely yours,
a guy who biked to work,
his wife who would have stayed home today anyway,
their daughter whose best friend is a Bad Guy,
and a boy named Grey.

PS--If you get this letter, don't forget to vote for Peep Show.

*Update: Our car is fine. The police found it about two miles from our house. The tank is still nearly full. There were ashes in the ash tray and our power adapter is missing...and that's all. Lucky us!